So I read in this BuzzFeed listicle that journaling is supposed to really help you out when you’re stressed to the max, so I went and got myself one and here we are. The first entry in my diary of a Yeerk.
This has been a doozy of a week, let me tell you.
Everything started off perfectly fine. I had been assigned to my favorite human yet. Her name was Ethel, and her favorite pastime was watching reruns of Golden Girls. That Blanche gets me every time!
So there I was, forming some serious squad goals with those golden ladies when I get a call from Iniss 226 that I need to head back to the Yeerk pool ASAP to swap into a Taxxon and assist with Visser Three’s arrival.
I can’t stand Taxxons. It’s all, “Let me eat this” and “Imma devour that.” Every time I’m made to Control one of them, I end up covered in blood, and Bethenny Frankel-ly, it really grosses me out. So Innis 226, I’ve only got one thing to say to you: Thank you for being a jerk!
Anyway, I get sent down as a Taxxon with a bunch of Human-Controllers (I don’t see why they couldn’t just let me help out as Ethel, but whatever) and a couple Hork-Bajir. When we get there Visser Three is facing off with that Andalite prince, Elfangor-Something-Something. Elfangor slashed the Visser and my first thought was, “Giiiirl, you are going to regret that.”
Boy, was I right. Visser Three turned into this epically huge Antarean Bogg, nabs Elfangor in a tentacle and devours him whole. Unfortunately, this is when my Taxxon instincts kicked in and downright begged me to gobble up some of the Andalite bits littering the ground. What can I say, I couldn’t resist. Those Taxxons are incorrigible.
So I sent a thank you up to Cher (I have got to do an entire diary entry on her, let me tell you) that the night was finally over and I could get back to Ethel and continue on my way all Golden Girls and chill.
But guess what? Some flipping kids were watching us and got away. Ooh child, did that ever spike Visser Three’s Kandronas. He went into a raaaage. He ordered us to do this whole city-wide search for the group of teenagers that were watching us. I was like, “Seriously? You want us to find five teenagers in a city swarming with teenagers?” That’s like finding an authentic Louis Vuitton zip-fold wallet on Ebay for under three hundred dollars. It doesn’t happen.
Anyway, the kids still hadn’t been found, but it was time for me to soak up some Kandrona rays. I was assigned to a new man, Gregory (never Greg, BTW), and contemplating why we could never do something like lavender-scented Kandrona rays circa my favorite bubble bath scent when I see these two weird kids standing off behind a storage shed of Dracon beams acting like they had just completed the Cinnamon Challenge. That is to say, weird.
I had just told a Hork-Bajir and a Taxxon to nab the kids when a fracking monster with wrinkly gray skin, huge ears, a thick worm-like nose and monstrous teeth comes barreling behind them. Gregory kindly let me know the thing is called an elephant. But then that Cher-forsaken elephant wraps its worm nose around me and chucks me through the air.
Lord and Taylor.
I came to and there was Visser Three literally spitting fireballs at a ragtag group of Earth animals. Gregory says they were a tiger, a gorilla, a horse, and that capital R Rude elephant. Turns out they were Andalites in morph, and it was those guys who were at the construction site, not a bunch of kids. But they got away again, and the Visser is in a tizzy.
But I wasn’t the one who let them get away, so for now I’ve found a good caftan and I’m just going to enjoy another GG marathon. As the brilliant Sophia once said, “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.”